Just Run the Fence Line

Saturday I got the news that I've been afraid of. The news that I had hoped and prayed would not come true. The news that we cannot go active duty. Monty is three yeas to old, and they are accepting no age waivers. It does not matter that he is jump qualified, or prior service. He's 45..and the cut off is 42. Period.

I got the news from Monty's endorser. He called our home number by mistake. I was able to relay to him that Monty was in the desert in Djibouti, doing a desert survival course and would not be available for a few days. He obviously knew that Monty was deployed, just dialed the wrong number. It's been difficult, having this knowledge, when Monty did not.

I'm grateful that Monty IS a chaplain. That he IS serving our country with the National Guard. We're 9 months into his first deployment and I've never seen him more alive. It's just not the dream that we had when we started this journey. I had always hoped to live on a base. To wake up and hear bugle calls, to be involved in the PWOC, to live in an army community. So, I'm grieving the loss of those dreams. It just hurts.

I got off of the phone with the endorser and fell apart. I wept. For a long time. I didn't want the boys to see how upset I was. So I sat in the garage, in the van and wept. I was in rough shape on Sunday morning, and wanted to go to church, but not my church. I wanted to be "lost" in a crowd. So, I took the boys and we visited a different church. Ironically, the sermon that day was on "Praying for a miracle". I wept some more, and prayed some more. I've poured my heart out to the Lord in such raw emotion, longing for a miracle. But, none came. Monday morning I was so exhausted that I took the boys to school, came home and took a 4 hour nap. In the mean time, Oklahoma was hit with the largest Earthquakes on record. Seems fitting. I believe that the Lord could fix this. I just see Him choosing not to, which honestly makes me mad. I'm glad God is big enough to handle my emotions.

It was on Wednesday morning when God spoke to me. I was driving along the Creek Turnpike when I saw two deer. A big buck and a beautiful doe. They had obviously just run across  all 4 lanes of the Turnpike. They were headed towards a beautifully wooded area, when they ran into it. A large, insurmountable fence. They could see the woods, but could not enter them. The doe kept charging the fence with all her might. She would back up...charge into it and bounce right back off. She did this over and over. The buck stood there looking at the fence. Immobile. I knew if they panicked and ran back onto the Turnpike, their chances of survival were slim. Banging in the fence would only injure them and they would not get anywhere. I wanted to stop the van and tell them that if they just ran the fence line, that there was an opening just about a mile down the road. It was not where they had planned to enter, and in a different part of the forest, but they could get in. They didn't have to stand at the fence. They just needed to run to fence line.

I'm not sure what happened to them. But I know that I saw myself in that doe. She kept charging the fence...aching to get in where she thought they were supposed to. I finally got to talk with Monty today. I've known for 5 days, and it was a relief to know that he knew. His endorser spoke with him this morning. Monty is disappointed, but His rock solid faith once again came through. He simply said... "Well, God has something. I don't know what it looks like...but He's got us."

I said, "Yeah, you're right. We just need to follow Jesus along the fence line...."